Cliche, perhaps but true enough. It's a bit early still but I'm thinking about New Year's resolutions and what I want to get out of the year to come. So I've come up with some ideas.
1. Continue improving fitness and doing exercise, to reach the targets I have set myself. Perfectly possible, in fact, even probable.
2. Continue improving confidence and mental state. Go to therapy, take the tablets, settle myself and steady myself and become the person I want to be.
3. Go to uni. That can cover the whole year because I need to apply for uni, apply for finance, apply for accommodation, prepare and pack, and then go.
4. Learn to drive. Hopefully will be done by the time I leave for uni at the latest.
5. Try and be a better person. Be less irritable towards certain annoying colleagues. Work hard, play hard, give every effort to everything I do, and just show the kindness that I always appreciate being shown to me - saying thankyou, even for the little things, trying to be as helpful as I can to make life easier for those around me. Appreciation would be nice but I don't think I'll get it so I'll need to practise finding the satisfaction in knowing that I have done the right thing, I have done what I can, I have been a good person.
These are my aims for the next year and I believe that I can do them. It will be hard work, I think, but I think I can. If I still have this blog this time next year, I will review my year and see how well I did.
Wednesday 24 December 2014
Worrying
Okay, I'm really kinda trying to sort through a situation and it's not going so well. The situation is that my best friend and my ex have gotten pretty close - which is fine. I feel a little weird about it but they're not doing anything wrong. Except this week, my best friend has been a little strange with me.
On Monday, we had a small argument, that really got to me because I was over-tired and also she was telling my I was wrong when I was right. Even with the evidence that I was right. And it annoyed me and also upset me because it isn't a good feeling to be told that you're wrong. It also wasn't something blurry or that depends on perspective or belief - it was simple, numerical fact. So I took a few minutes outside to calm down, get back under control.
When I went back in, we talked about a friend who was hungover and couldn't remember the night before. I'd been out a few nights previously and some things had happened that my best friend disapproved of. So when I mentioned that, although the memories are blurry, I do remember most of what happened that night and she asked if anything did happen, I chose not to mention probably the biggest thing that happened. And I remember thinking at the time that her tone made it seem like she already knew. Or maybe I was just feeling guilty for not telling her already. I do usually tell her everything, especially if she doesn't want to hear it.
And then it was a bit weird on Tuesday night. We went to the cinema, had planned for it to be the two of us. And she invited my ex along. And he came and I got along with him fine. It was a little strange and I was a little more distant than I used to be but for very good reason and it is probably the healthiest way to be right now. But with her it was more awkward. And I'd asked her what I had done wrong but she didn't answer. And then after the movie, I asked again and she still didn't answer. So I decided not to push it. If she didn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't make her.
But then talking to my ex today, he suggested that we "have a talk" and though I said that she didn't seem to want to talk about it, that I wasn't going to push it, he still suggested that I did. And I don't trust him anymore, I'm really quite wary of him. As another friend pointed out, he's biased. He could be trying to ruin my best friend and I's friendship. But I keep having this argument with myself that goes around in circles - that doesn't sound like him, but he's different now, but has he become that and why would he want to do that, maybe he likes her, maybe she likes him, maybe he wants to feel less guilty about that or something, but that doesn't sound like him.
It's driving me crazy and I honestly have no idea how to proceed. I don't know what to do. I was thinking about asking her to just tell me whether or not there really is a problem and clear some of this uncertainty but I don't know. I just want it to be clear.
On Monday, we had a small argument, that really got to me because I was over-tired and also she was telling my I was wrong when I was right. Even with the evidence that I was right. And it annoyed me and also upset me because it isn't a good feeling to be told that you're wrong. It also wasn't something blurry or that depends on perspective or belief - it was simple, numerical fact. So I took a few minutes outside to calm down, get back under control.
When I went back in, we talked about a friend who was hungover and couldn't remember the night before. I'd been out a few nights previously and some things had happened that my best friend disapproved of. So when I mentioned that, although the memories are blurry, I do remember most of what happened that night and she asked if anything did happen, I chose not to mention probably the biggest thing that happened. And I remember thinking at the time that her tone made it seem like she already knew. Or maybe I was just feeling guilty for not telling her already. I do usually tell her everything, especially if she doesn't want to hear it.
And then it was a bit weird on Tuesday night. We went to the cinema, had planned for it to be the two of us. And she invited my ex along. And he came and I got along with him fine. It was a little strange and I was a little more distant than I used to be but for very good reason and it is probably the healthiest way to be right now. But with her it was more awkward. And I'd asked her what I had done wrong but she didn't answer. And then after the movie, I asked again and she still didn't answer. So I decided not to push it. If she didn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't make her.
But then talking to my ex today, he suggested that we "have a talk" and though I said that she didn't seem to want to talk about it, that I wasn't going to push it, he still suggested that I did. And I don't trust him anymore, I'm really quite wary of him. As another friend pointed out, he's biased. He could be trying to ruin my best friend and I's friendship. But I keep having this argument with myself that goes around in circles - that doesn't sound like him, but he's different now, but has he become that and why would he want to do that, maybe he likes her, maybe she likes him, maybe he wants to feel less guilty about that or something, but that doesn't sound like him.
It's driving me crazy and I honestly have no idea how to proceed. I don't know what to do. I was thinking about asking her to just tell me whether or not there really is a problem and clear some of this uncertainty but I don't know. I just want it to be clear.
Monday 24 November 2014
Cheek Kisses
Warning: I'm a little tipsy still, my brother and his girlfriend came over for dinner. They brought wine. It just escalated from there. And I'm still not over my ex, so I usually end up thinking of him when I get drunk.
Okay, cheek kisses. Cheek kisses are the absolute best thing. Better than normal kisses and tongue and sex, better than all of that. I might be exaggerating but cheek kisses are amazing. Shall I explain why?
Cheek kisses are amazing because they're so simple. They are literally just someone else showing their affection for you. They get nothing out of it themselves like you do with normal kisses or other romantic or sexual things - most of those are reciprocated, you both get something out of it. But not cheek kisses.
Being kissed on the cheek by someone you care for a great deal is somehow so very intimate. Its a wonderful feeling because they are just showing you that they care, they want to show you that you are appreciated and important to them. This is especially significant for me personally due to my self-esteem issues. I unfortunately crave constant reassurance that I'm not hated by the people I care about and think the worst any time a tiny thing goes wrong with my friends.
I've only really had this happen once. But it made me feel so good. I wish it would happen again. Cheek kisses are the best.
Okay, cheek kisses. Cheek kisses are the absolute best thing. Better than normal kisses and tongue and sex, better than all of that. I might be exaggerating but cheek kisses are amazing. Shall I explain why?
Cheek kisses are amazing because they're so simple. They are literally just someone else showing their affection for you. They get nothing out of it themselves like you do with normal kisses or other romantic or sexual things - most of those are reciprocated, you both get something out of it. But not cheek kisses.
Being kissed on the cheek by someone you care for a great deal is somehow so very intimate. Its a wonderful feeling because they are just showing you that they care, they want to show you that you are appreciated and important to them. This is especially significant for me personally due to my self-esteem issues. I unfortunately crave constant reassurance that I'm not hated by the people I care about and think the worst any time a tiny thing goes wrong with my friends.
I've only really had this happen once. But it made me feel so good. I wish it would happen again. Cheek kisses are the best.
Saturday 22 November 2014
Introduction
Okay, as a first blog post, I want to give a little introduction and explain some things. I want to be sure that anyone who reads this is aware that I do not care whether you, a stranger on the internet, reads my blog or not. It is entirely up to you, do not blame me for any reactions you may have to what I write. I am not writing this blog for someone else to read, although if you want to read it, that is fine. I am writing this blog for me. I am writing this blog because I hope it will help me with some issues I am struggling with.
These issues include unhealthy attachments, moderate depression, self esteem issues and the jealousy, paranoia and codependency that stem from it. I am not a mentally healthy person. I know this. I need help. I know this. It is already in the works. If you have anything original to advise, I'd be happy to hear it but I've already gone through pretty much everything I can find on how to cope with depression, I know about exercise and keeping busy, all the usual things that are suggested. Please don't suggest them again.
The reason I have my display name as 'fighter' is because that's what I feel I am. Plain and simple. I have struggled emotionally and mentally for several years now and I have miraculously reached this point with good GCSEs and good A-levels despite my struggles. I have not suffered bereavement. I have not suffered financially. I have not suffered a lack of friendships or abusive friendships. I have not suffered abusive relationships, or been abused by family members. I'm not a young carer, I'm not homeless. I am an average teenager who hasn't been through any particularly traumatic or highly pressurised experiences.
And yet I am depressed. I have no apparent reason to be but for some reason, that is the lot I have been given. But I am not attention seeking. I am not selfish. I am not pathetic. I am not weak. I have spent too long thinking like that. I have wasted too much time feeling sorry for myself and not enjoying the good things I have been given. I am strong, because no matter what, no matter how low I fall, I will not give up. I am not so depressed as to be suicidal. I will not give up. I will fight for myself and I will fight for the people I love. Even if fighting doesn't mean pushing and striving and desperately trying to hold on to something. I will fight in whatever way will get me to the place I want to be. I am ill. And I will not be defined by my illness. It is a big part of my life but I will not be defined by it.
These issues include unhealthy attachments, moderate depression, self esteem issues and the jealousy, paranoia and codependency that stem from it. I am not a mentally healthy person. I know this. I need help. I know this. It is already in the works. If you have anything original to advise, I'd be happy to hear it but I've already gone through pretty much everything I can find on how to cope with depression, I know about exercise and keeping busy, all the usual things that are suggested. Please don't suggest them again.
The reason I have my display name as 'fighter' is because that's what I feel I am. Plain and simple. I have struggled emotionally and mentally for several years now and I have miraculously reached this point with good GCSEs and good A-levels despite my struggles. I have not suffered bereavement. I have not suffered financially. I have not suffered a lack of friendships or abusive friendships. I have not suffered abusive relationships, or been abused by family members. I'm not a young carer, I'm not homeless. I am an average teenager who hasn't been through any particularly traumatic or highly pressurised experiences.
And yet I am depressed. I have no apparent reason to be but for some reason, that is the lot I have been given. But I am not attention seeking. I am not selfish. I am not pathetic. I am not weak. I have spent too long thinking like that. I have wasted too much time feeling sorry for myself and not enjoying the good things I have been given. I am strong, because no matter what, no matter how low I fall, I will not give up. I am not so depressed as to be suicidal. I will not give up. I will fight for myself and I will fight for the people I love. Even if fighting doesn't mean pushing and striving and desperately trying to hold on to something. I will fight in whatever way will get me to the place I want to be. I am ill. And I will not be defined by my illness. It is a big part of my life but I will not be defined by it.
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