Cliche, perhaps but true enough. It's a bit early still but I'm thinking about New Year's resolutions and what I want to get out of the year to come. So I've come up with some ideas.
1. Continue improving fitness and doing exercise, to reach the targets I have set myself. Perfectly possible, in fact, even probable.
2. Continue improving confidence and mental state. Go to therapy, take the tablets, settle myself and steady myself and become the person I want to be.
3. Go to uni. That can cover the whole year because I need to apply for uni, apply for finance, apply for accommodation, prepare and pack, and then go.
4. Learn to drive. Hopefully will be done by the time I leave for uni at the latest.
5. Try and be a better person. Be less irritable towards certain annoying colleagues. Work hard, play hard, give every effort to everything I do, and just show the kindness that I always appreciate being shown to me - saying thankyou, even for the little things, trying to be as helpful as I can to make life easier for those around me. Appreciation would be nice but I don't think I'll get it so I'll need to practise finding the satisfaction in knowing that I have done the right thing, I have done what I can, I have been a good person.
These are my aims for the next year and I believe that I can do them. It will be hard work, I think, but I think I can. If I still have this blog this time next year, I will review my year and see how well I did.
Wednesday 24 December 2014
Worrying
Okay, I'm really kinda trying to sort through a situation and it's not going so well. The situation is that my best friend and my ex have gotten pretty close - which is fine. I feel a little weird about it but they're not doing anything wrong. Except this week, my best friend has been a little strange with me.
On Monday, we had a small argument, that really got to me because I was over-tired and also she was telling my I was wrong when I was right. Even with the evidence that I was right. And it annoyed me and also upset me because it isn't a good feeling to be told that you're wrong. It also wasn't something blurry or that depends on perspective or belief - it was simple, numerical fact. So I took a few minutes outside to calm down, get back under control.
When I went back in, we talked about a friend who was hungover and couldn't remember the night before. I'd been out a few nights previously and some things had happened that my best friend disapproved of. So when I mentioned that, although the memories are blurry, I do remember most of what happened that night and she asked if anything did happen, I chose not to mention probably the biggest thing that happened. And I remember thinking at the time that her tone made it seem like she already knew. Or maybe I was just feeling guilty for not telling her already. I do usually tell her everything, especially if she doesn't want to hear it.
And then it was a bit weird on Tuesday night. We went to the cinema, had planned for it to be the two of us. And she invited my ex along. And he came and I got along with him fine. It was a little strange and I was a little more distant than I used to be but for very good reason and it is probably the healthiest way to be right now. But with her it was more awkward. And I'd asked her what I had done wrong but she didn't answer. And then after the movie, I asked again and she still didn't answer. So I decided not to push it. If she didn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't make her.
But then talking to my ex today, he suggested that we "have a talk" and though I said that she didn't seem to want to talk about it, that I wasn't going to push it, he still suggested that I did. And I don't trust him anymore, I'm really quite wary of him. As another friend pointed out, he's biased. He could be trying to ruin my best friend and I's friendship. But I keep having this argument with myself that goes around in circles - that doesn't sound like him, but he's different now, but has he become that and why would he want to do that, maybe he likes her, maybe she likes him, maybe he wants to feel less guilty about that or something, but that doesn't sound like him.
It's driving me crazy and I honestly have no idea how to proceed. I don't know what to do. I was thinking about asking her to just tell me whether or not there really is a problem and clear some of this uncertainty but I don't know. I just want it to be clear.
On Monday, we had a small argument, that really got to me because I was over-tired and also she was telling my I was wrong when I was right. Even with the evidence that I was right. And it annoyed me and also upset me because it isn't a good feeling to be told that you're wrong. It also wasn't something blurry or that depends on perspective or belief - it was simple, numerical fact. So I took a few minutes outside to calm down, get back under control.
When I went back in, we talked about a friend who was hungover and couldn't remember the night before. I'd been out a few nights previously and some things had happened that my best friend disapproved of. So when I mentioned that, although the memories are blurry, I do remember most of what happened that night and she asked if anything did happen, I chose not to mention probably the biggest thing that happened. And I remember thinking at the time that her tone made it seem like she already knew. Or maybe I was just feeling guilty for not telling her already. I do usually tell her everything, especially if she doesn't want to hear it.
And then it was a bit weird on Tuesday night. We went to the cinema, had planned for it to be the two of us. And she invited my ex along. And he came and I got along with him fine. It was a little strange and I was a little more distant than I used to be but for very good reason and it is probably the healthiest way to be right now. But with her it was more awkward. And I'd asked her what I had done wrong but she didn't answer. And then after the movie, I asked again and she still didn't answer. So I decided not to push it. If she didn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't make her.
But then talking to my ex today, he suggested that we "have a talk" and though I said that she didn't seem to want to talk about it, that I wasn't going to push it, he still suggested that I did. And I don't trust him anymore, I'm really quite wary of him. As another friend pointed out, he's biased. He could be trying to ruin my best friend and I's friendship. But I keep having this argument with myself that goes around in circles - that doesn't sound like him, but he's different now, but has he become that and why would he want to do that, maybe he likes her, maybe she likes him, maybe he wants to feel less guilty about that or something, but that doesn't sound like him.
It's driving me crazy and I honestly have no idea how to proceed. I don't know what to do. I was thinking about asking her to just tell me whether or not there really is a problem and clear some of this uncertainty but I don't know. I just want it to be clear.
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