Cheek Kisses

Warning: I'm a little tipsy still, my brother and his girlfriend came over for dinner. They brought wine. It just escalated from there. And I'm still not over my ex, so I usually end up thinking of him when I get drunk.

Okay, cheek kisses. Cheek kisses are the absolute best thing. Better than normal kisses and tongue and sex, better than all of that. I might be exaggerating but cheek kisses are amazing. Shall I explain why?

Cheek kisses are amazing because they're so simple. They are literally just someone else showing their affection for you. They get nothing out of it themselves like you do with normal kisses or other romantic or sexual things - most of those are reciprocated, you both get something out of it. But not cheek kisses.

Being kissed on the cheek by someone you care for a great deal is somehow so very intimate. Its a wonderful feeling because they are just showing you that they care, they want to show you that you are appreciated and important to them. This is especially significant for me personally due to my self-esteem issues. I unfortunately crave constant reassurance that I'm not hated by the people I care about and think the worst any time a tiny thing goes wrong with my friends.

I've only really had this happen once. But it made me feel so good. I wish it would happen again. Cheek kisses are the best.

Introduction

Okay, as a first blog post, I want to give a little introduction and explain some things. I want to be sure that anyone who reads this is aware that I do not care whether you, a stranger on the internet, reads my blog or not. It is entirely up to you, do not blame me for any reactions you may have to what I write. I am not writing this blog for someone else to read, although if you want to read it, that is fine. I am writing this blog for me. I am writing this blog because I hope it will help me with some issues I am struggling with.

These issues include unhealthy attachments, moderate depression, self esteem issues and the jealousy, paranoia and codependency that stem from it. I am not a mentally healthy person. I know this. I need help. I know this. It is already in the works. If you have anything original to advise, I'd be happy to hear it but I've already gone through pretty much everything I can find on how to cope with depression, I know about exercise and keeping busy, all the usual things that are suggested. Please don't suggest them again.

The reason I have my display name as 'fighter' is because that's what I feel I am. Plain and simple. I have struggled emotionally and mentally for several years now and I have miraculously reached this point with good GCSEs and good A-levels despite my struggles. I have not suffered bereavement. I have not suffered financially. I have not suffered a lack of friendships or abusive friendships. I have not suffered abusive relationships, or been abused by family members. I'm not a young carer, I'm not homeless. I am an average teenager who hasn't been through any particularly traumatic or highly pressurised experiences.

And yet I am depressed. I have no apparent reason to be but for some reason, that is the lot I have been given. But I am not attention seeking. I am not selfish. I am not pathetic. I am not weak. I have spent too long thinking like that. I have wasted too much time feeling sorry for myself and not enjoying the good things I have been given. I am strong, because no matter what, no matter how low I fall, I will not give up. I am not so depressed as to be suicidal. I will not give up. I will fight for myself and I will fight for the people I love. Even if fighting doesn't mean pushing and striving and desperately trying to hold on to something. I will fight in whatever way will get me to the place I want to be. I am ill. And I will not be defined by my illness. It is a big part of my life but I will not be defined by it.